The past 5 days have been more emotional than I (Erica) expected.

We have been preparing for this surgery for the past 3 months or more and had felt peaceful about moving forward.

Kennady has gotten much tighter and just generally uncomfortable due to her high muscle tone.

The decision to have the surgery was not one we took lightly.  We finally came to a point when we felt like her quality of life was diminishing and could be maintained, or improved, with the Baclofen pump.

During this time Robin and I have discussed the surgery and all of the possibilities between the two of us, with our family, and with close friends.

As we usually do, whether in the case of a major surgery, or major sickness, we prepare for the fact that Kennady may not survive.  We all come to the end of our lives at one point or another, some slowly and gently, others tragically unexpected, and many others in between.

However, life with Kennady, always has that feeling a little closer to the surface for us.

During the time leading up to this surgery, I had mentally felt prepared for whatever might happen.  I had peace about the decision to move forward with the procedure.  We had met with the doctors and nurses about all of the aspects of surgery, how that this was very invasive and the risk was substantial.

It is hard to tell you how many thoughts come to mind while making these decisions.  Decisions on life and death and the weighty things in life.  Whether it is right or wrong to extend our lives at all.

These are not small things given to us.  They are great, and taken as such.

Our greatest goal and drive is to honor God in all we do.  With every decision, every word spoken, every breath breathed.

Often we fall short of that goal, reflecting on what we can do better in the future.

The weight of the surgery felt light on the whole to me.  I felt very peaceful about it, and up until a couple of days before, I really had no major concerns.

I simply had faith that God was in control and giving me the peace that I needed.

Thursday morning during the surgery, Robin and I sat around and talked and laughed (a lot).  We discussed lots of things, none really relating to Kennady and the surgery.

After the doctor had finished the surgery she came back to talk to us.  As you know, from the blog Robin wrote, the doctor’s words stunned us a bit.

I was so emotional when the doctor said it was the “this was the most difficult catheter placement I have ever done”.  I felt somehow that I wasn’t prepared for that, and that somehow that peace I had felt was not authentic because I was not feeling completely peaceful in that moment.  As if some how, my lack of strength was a reflection of  God not providing what I so completely believed he had.

You see, in my mind, the surgery was going to go off without a hitch, or be very heartbreaking.  There wasn’t really a middle ground.

When I talked to people shortly after that, I could barely get the words out without being choked up with tears and emotion.

As the day went on and we talked with doctors, family and friends, God began to reveal the truth about that moment.

The picture I began to see was so beautiful.

God prepares our hearts, gives us peace, and is with us all along the way; but the peace we feel in those moments, is not that we will handle the situation with strength, a certain emotional calm, without fear or even with joy.

Those moments of peace come from a faith that God is in control, regardless of what I might be feeling in that moment.

We can’t be prepared for things we have never walked through.  Each moment of this life is individual, no two moments alike.

I could never be completely prepared enough for the loss of my daughter, I can never be completely prepared for what the future holds.

The peace that I felt before crossing that bridge and many others, was a peace that, whatever may come, God will provide the strength I need for that moment and all the moments to come.

His grace is sufficient.

That’s it.  His grace is more than enough for every moment I live.

I may not know what that moment will be like or what it holds, but he is enough.

2 Corinthians 12:9  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”