Whenever I (Robin) meet someone new, they always want to know how many kids I have. That is normal. I want to know about their kids as well.
“I have a 10year old girl, 8yr old boy and a 6yr old boy.”
After I say that sentence, I always wonder when the appropriate time is to say that my 10 year old has significant disabilities. (Obviously, this conversation is happening when my kids are not present.) You might think it is not necessary to talk about Kennady’s disability. I used to think the same thing until she was about 6 months old. After kids naturally pass developmental milestones, those milestones create great little talking points.
For example: I would tell people, “My daughter is 1 year old.” The natural response to that from others was, “Oh, I bet she is into everything! Walking around. Is she saying any words yet?”
At that point, I would have to awkwardly tell them, “Well, my daughter was born with a disability and she is not rolling over yet.”
As Kennady has gotten older, the typical milestones change, but the conversation does not. If I don’t address the disability immediately, then people now say things like, “oh, is she interested in boys yet?” Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame the conversationalists. They are simply trying to keep the small talk going. However, it is sort of embarrassing to them if I have to say, “Well, my daughter was born with a severe disability and that affects her social skills, etc.”
Usually, I go ahead and introduce them as all regular kids and then immediately try to discern if they will take the conversation in a weird turn. I love coasting as long as possible with three regular kids in a conversation. It is almost as if all of my kids are socially equal and there are no issues. Ever once in a while, we just leave it at that and we are all ‘normal’. However, most of the time, it is appropriate to launch into the whole disability thing.
Your thoughts?
As Grana, the same thoughts cross my mind, & I have followed through on both options, also. Sometime I tell Kenna’s story (in part) and sometime I just leave it as 3 granddaughters & 3 grandsons. It all depends on how the conversation flows. As always, my heart & prayers go out to you 5.
That is exactly what we went through with Aleks. I hated going out in public bc I knew people were gonna ask how old he was and then look at him and ask why he wasn’t doing things kids his age. After time I learned the difference of who was being sincere or really wanted to know or just being nosey. But the one thing that hurt the most was his older brother (Logan) three at the time asking us “when is he gonna play with me, he’s been a baby too long”. We explained to him that’s the way God made him. Vincent and I weren’t saved at the time and dealt with it in our own way. Something like this makes or breaks your marriage. It almost broke ours. I believe had it not been for Aleks we would be divorced today. He made our marriage stronger and soon after we were saved. He is our testimony. I was very angry at God and everyone. We were chosen to have a special little boy who would be a blessing to us and everyone who meets him even though we didn’t know it at the time just like Kennady is to you and all of us. God bless~Linda
Thank you so much, Linda, for this comment. Your family has brought a lot of strength to us. We love ya’ll!
I do not know much since I have no child of my own. Its not bad to coast in any conversation since there is no need to rush or fall behind. I am considered permanently disabled. My disabled thoughts would be to anounce the kids you have with your lil girl not able to totally function as any other, we are all different. A real problem would be in not bein able to be happy. She is normal in your eyes to be stronger in her own.
Thank you, Chris.
Robin,
I suggest just putting it out there, be real, be honest, be bold. I believe that the people who shy away from the issue of our special kids are not meant to be in out lives in a deep fashion.
I totally understand both positions of introduction and do know that it is difficult at times. I think we quickly learn to discern if the conversation/relationship will be of any significant level, if not then perhaps we tread lightly and move on. Yet, whenever I did this, my Spirit would feel guilt and slighted that i did not elaborate, like I was trying to cover reality up. I never wanted to hide Cayden and he was typically always with us, so it was an easy introduction.
For me personally, it is in Cayden’s death that I struggle more with this introduction. He has now been away from me for longer than he was with me here on earth, but he will always be one of my children. Consequently, when I am posed the how many kids do you have question… I have 3, 2 here on earth and 1 awaiting me in heaven. That is any easy segway for me to share a quick story of what a blessing he was to our family and the impact he had. Also, some awareness for HPE. Yes, it either turns people away or pulls them in, but that is their choice or burden to bear… it just happens to be my life.
I have struggled with this for over 4 1/2 years now, but MOST of the time I always include Cayden in an intro.
Jesus teaches us to be honest and bold, yet to do and be both in Love. I am realizing that not including the “whole” story, we perhaps are not following his teachings.
HoPE this helps!
Joey Arnold
Thanks for your perspective, Joey. Very strong words.
In my conversations, I always mention each child by age, but when I say Michael’s name and age, I add, “And he’s my favorite!, Actually, he’s everyone’s favorite so it’s ok”. Then I tell them about my miracle son and his special needs.
I love that idea, Sharon. Thank you
It took a while for me to figure out just how to mention my daughter.. She is my only child. I tried several different ways, but now I say, I have a daughter and they ask how old is she and I tell them 16 and special needs. Then they can ask what ever they want. But if I just say she is 16, then like you, I get the, “oh she must be into boys, or this or that”. It seem like everytime over the years if I would just mention her and her age, it would go straight into the typical comments….
I have the same thoughts that you do when I talk to people about how many kids I have. Three, two boys and a girl. I usually get something like, “after two boys you must love having a little girl?” And I do. She’s wonderful! When the conversation stays on that level, I think like you. I have three “normal” children, for lack of a better word. Sometimes, she’s with me and people will talk to her like any other kid, and I love it. Most of the time, it’s taken as shyness that she doesn’t answer their questions. Other times she answers, and I can see in their eyes that they wonder if they heard something a little off or not. Other times, I do tell them because it’s obvious, but most of the time people are very accepting and open with her. I’m always open to sharing Gabby’s story, and most of the time she shows me the way.