After our last post on “Curiosity is OK“, we had the question brought up: “What should you say or how should you ask questions about someone’s special needs child.”
Great question. Here is our stab at that question. Disclaimer: We only know our situation and personality. I am sure that other parents might feel differently. In fact, other parents that read our blog, PLEASE give us your input.
From our point of view:
- Genuine questions from anyone are better than long stares. It is ok to ask questions. It is awkward for everyone for you to stare long term. If your kids are staring at Kennady, it is completely appropriate for you to say, “She is different from us. Would you like to ask them how she is different?” At that point, if your child is interested (90% of time they are) you can approach the parent. If your child is not interested, you could end with something like, “Not everyone is the same. Some people can’t walk, others don’t talk well. Just because someone is not like us, doesn’t mean that they are bad or wrong or not ‘like’ us.” Teachable moment.
- Sincere heart. Whether you are with your kids or alone and you want to speak to someone with a special needs child, show your heart. Smile, be sincere. Most likely the parent of the child knows everyone is staring and is looking for people that will accept them and be interested in making them feel normal. Compliment them.
- Opening lines. Here are some ways to open the conversation. Of course these depend on your situation and the other family:
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- “Your family is beautiful…please tell me about your son/daughter”
- Offer to help if there is a quick need at the grocery store, bank, etc.
- “I would love to hear more about your son/daughter”
- Ask specific questions about the scenario: “have you found it hard to find parking spots” …
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- Keep going. If you are flowing in conversation and you both have time. You can ask things like:
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- What are your biggest challenges?
- What is school like?
- How could our community help families like you better?
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What if you say something wrong? Over the last 10 years, we have only found one statement that kind of gets on our nerves: “God only allows for special parents to have kids like these…” We heard that a lot from people early on (with the best intentions). After a while, we said, “We don’t want to be special. We would love to be normal.”
I wouldn’t try to give deep encouragement/advice unless you know them really well.
Just be friendly, interested, accepting, and helpful.
So helpful! Thank you
This has caused me to think again about a blog I was writing…Thanks for posting. I think I will respond on my blog. 😀
Very cool! just read your blog
I remember my brother remarking about how sick he was of the “special parents–special kids” comments with his daughter lot long after her diagnosis. He likes it when people ask specific questions because it affords him an opportunity to talk about her rare disorder and the difficulties of medical research funding, and to talk about how much he enjoys her despite challenges. And he LOVES it when other kids ask questions.
Thanks for that feedback, Chance!
I wrote a children’s book that I would love to eventually publish (or self publish) but I decided to make a copy for my daughters 1st birthday. It’s calls just like you and explains how other children should treat special needs kids. You can view it from my blog!
http://alwayskissmegnight.blogspot.com/2012/07/another-birthday-surprise.html?m=1
Great article! Awesome advice on how to respond to children who are interested in a special needs child. Thanks for posting!